Perfume

I was reminded of my early childhood. My mom wearing robes that swept the floor over silky empire waisted night gowns. She word jewel tones against her tropical skin. My favorites on her were a canary yellow and raspberry red. She would kiss me good night and swirl away to my father, her clean scent lingering. Her smell was so soothing to me. I can remember it now. She smelled like warmth, love, assurance, shelter, sustenance, stories with happy endings, lullabies and sweet dreams.
Tonight was night 4 of our first week of sleep training. The No-Cry Sleep Solution. Well somehow there was crying involved. Dad was trying to coax the baby back to sleep by skipping a feeding he likes to take less than 2 hours after his bedtime. He is not a new born by any means. It's a midnight snack or something. So I'm hiding in the living room so he can't see or hear me (he sleeps in our room at night). And daddy is pacing with him. The baby ends up on the couch inhaling quite loudly, not crying yet. But clearly, sniffing me out. He pops his head over the side of the couch, looks down at me and began crying with crocodile tears out "Mama!" quite willing to dive over the edge. I want to wrap my smell around him with all the good things my mother gave me.

Trophy

I do my best to be spontaneous. But I don't have an on call nanny so of course things take planning. Even when planning ahead sometimes it's nice to bring a baby with. And then it involves playing blocks with my feet while I style my hair. So we went to a dinner party, I wore my latest vintage find. Baby in jammies. He got passed to a sick person and it was passed on to me. I woke up on the nursery floor at 2 o'clock in the afternoon today drooling on myself. All that to make sure I showed up on Daddy's arm, smokin. Don't worry it was the baby's nap time too. I hope it's true that saying about the woman behind the man...I just wanted to feel civilized and be the family unit you know?

The Legend Of The Pheonix

 Moms work hard in and out of the home. I applaud those who balance career and lil ones.  Many of us go from being financially independent to dependent because it's more economical and beneficial for the baby. Others able to carve out income from a flexible job be it part time, from home or seasonal, are then tackle childcare along side the work flow.

 I'm so blessed to be with my son 24/7. A little is supplemented through my pre-baby line of work but the nature of that business is tricky with kids. Naively, I thought being a mother would give me such fuel, focus and inspiration that my work would abound around the 12 week mark of post-partum. That I would be a kind of Pheonix rising from the ashes of delivery. Powerful and decisive, exuding confidence and attracting success. That I would breeze back into old clothes and don the old hats I was used to wearing to the office and to the bank. There was a major oversight on the time it would take for me to heal from childbirth, adjust to the devilishly short sleep and heavenly demands, to understand how to anticipate my child's needs and respond to new growth let alone finding a productive rhythm in which to recognize and meet my own needs. Not to mention the rough terrain of the relationship between the new parents. Things feel simultaneously solid through the joy of new life and shakey through the end of a former way of living.  

 Perhaps the expectations were askew. I know my life hasn't ended but it does hurt my pride to work around the clock with no quantifiable contribution named or celebrated outright. Money is easy. It buys things. Physical, tangible items like housing and food. Money can pay a debt or start an argument. It's expected of me to go ahead and do most of the child rearing on my own since I'm not the breadwinner. It is my responsibility after all. I asked for this... As priceless as my son's happiness, health, development and well being are, somehow I feel and am made to feel as though that's the least I could do. This life as a full time mom is made possible by dad and he is my hero for it. I would just like to be a hero too I suppose, in the provi$ion$ department.

 I so enjoy cashing a check and having some extra to doll my baby up from head to toe. To fill his brain with a new experience on my own dime. To take my man out on an impressive date. Is this some strange vanity? A positioning of the "lesser sex" in a modern era? Or just a deep instinct kicking in to ensure that my young thrives and my mate benefits as the direct result of my own means? 

Baby Steps

A while ago I heard about Kaizen, here's the wiki:

Kaizen (改善^?), Japanese for "improvement" or "change for the better", refers to philosophy or practices that focus upon continuous improvement of processes in manufacturing, engineering, supporting business processes, and management. By improving standardized activities and processes , kaizen aims to eliminate waste.

In the book The Kaizen Way one is encouraged to begin with something almost too easy. Like marching in place if the goal is to run a mile. Then incrementally changing the activity in comfortable degrees of difficulty over time like walking a block a day, then fast walking 10 blocks and so on until you were running the mile. A great task is less daunting when broken down into baby steps. I also find myself eager to move forward when something feels easy. I guess thats the idea.   

 My challenge is to hit a few of these a day for now with the intent of transforming an average or negative activity into a positive one in an effort to be the stalwart and raise my own morale:

- judge daddy one less time a day because he's only human after all.

- organize one small neglected area for instance, the top of the fridge because my home is my sanctuary.

- take a deep breath and remember something funny if I can't find humor in a stressful situation.

- on my way to the car, don't rush but look around and feel the air, the sun, be present.

- as i fold clothes/pay bills/make dinner drink something ice water, cup o tea, glass of juice - hydrate. 

- as i do the dishes, visualize my new body.

- do anything physical, for me it's hiking with baby boy - just once a week no matter how short the session is as long as i go.

Dirty Little Secret

 To my fellow mamas, my brave sisters:

   There's something to be said about putting your best foot forward. But I'm starting this blog, however brief or inconsistent it may be, to give a voice to the struggle in me to be a good mama. By good I mean I want to be a cornerstone, a pillar, an unshakable "i don't know how she did it" after I'm gone kind of woman.  Maybe if I can share my challenges and insecurities from the curtain of anonymity that is this blog, then I'll have finally found a proper home for the restless panic that sometimes shows up at my door. Maybe I'll find some others out there who can identify or appreciate the incredible experience of dirty, endless, often thankless service and caregiving with all of it's rewards and costs.

 So let me begin by introducing myself. I have always been the girl next door, a happy twenty-something with plenty of friends and places to be. Only now there's a gorgeous baby boy on my hip. My son came on his own time, out of the blue. Getting pregnant was not a part of the plan. It was not where I was at in life or what I wanted for my career. Even his dad was a believer that it's better when children are born to parents who were trying to conceive. It seems logical that a baby that was invited to come be a part of others lives would have a lot more ready for it's arrival in any avenue be it finances to emotional grounding... But despite previous plans and arguments everything in me said "Yes, dear one. Come to mama." The little one's arrival manifested a solemn commitment to figure this out. I'm taking it one day at a time. Giving it all I've got.

 I'm inspired to blog because I know I'm not the only one. Maybe this can be the start of something refreshingly raw and quietly grounding for others too.  So if you or the next door mom need a place to get free from the messy, the unpleasant, the less than ideal then please spread my secret and share your thoughts in a comment below.