I'm so blessed to be with my son 24/7. A little is supplemented through my pre-baby line of work but the nature of that business is tricky with kids. Naively, I thought being a mother would give me such fuel, focus and inspiration that my work would abound around the 12 week mark of post-partum. That I would be a kind of Pheonix rising from the ashes of delivery. Powerful and decisive, exuding confidence and attracting success. That I would breeze back into old clothes and don the old hats I was used to wearing to the office and to the bank. There was a major oversight on the time it would take for me to heal from childbirth, adjust to the devilishly short sleep and heavenly demands, to understand how to anticipate my child's needs and respond to new growth let alone finding a productive rhythm in which to recognize and meet my own needs. Not to mention the rough terrain of the relationship between the new parents. Things feel simultaneously solid through the joy of new life and shakey through the end of a former way of living.
Perhaps the expectations were askew. I know my life hasn't ended but it does hurt my pride to work around the clock with no quantifiable contribution named or celebrated outright. Money is easy. It buys things. Physical, tangible items like housing and food. Money can pay a debt or start an argument. It's expected of me to go ahead and do most of the child rearing on my own since I'm not the breadwinner. It is my responsibility after all. I asked for this... As priceless as my son's happiness, health, development and well being are, somehow I feel and am made to feel as though that's the least I could do. This life as a full time mom is made possible by dad and he is my hero for it. I would just like to be a hero too I suppose, in the provi$ion$ department.
I so enjoy cashing a check and having some extra to doll my baby up from head to toe. To fill his brain with a new experience on my own dime. To take my man out on an impressive date. Is this some strange vanity? A positioning of the "lesser sex" in a modern era? Or just a deep instinct kicking in to ensure that my young thrives and my mate benefits as the direct result of my own means?
I think what you are feeling is totally normal, and I know I went through similar feelings after I had my first baby. What is hardest is that we try to "go back" to the way things were before. And there is no going back. Yes, we can get our bodies back in shape, or go out with the girls, or have a date that doesn't involve talking about kids. But we DO have kids. And trying to be what we were before is not realistic. What I did is looked for role models who were moms that had something I wanted or who I could look up to. I will no longer be a single, unattached woman. So when I look at my life, I look at what I can carve out of it with what or who I have IN my life. It does take some creativity, but it is possible. So often the goals we set when we are younger no longer seem possible after kids but I think we just need to use different avenues. And it may take longer than we like. That is one thing I struggled with post-pregnancy, is the desire to get back in shape right away, get back to work right away, etc. and it did not happen the way I wanted. It did happen, but it took time.
ReplyDeleteI think a detriment in our society is that when it comes to the roles of mom and dad, the mothering part can still be looked upon as almost a non-role. People have full-time daycare, nannies, etc. and I think that often when a mother chooses to be with her child it can be viewed as a non-necessity, so there is not much importance attached to it. And then in making that choice, we do leave ourselves vulnerable financially. But it is only for a time, and we are resourceful beings. The first few years with our kids are the vital ones, and then they are in school. It is so easy to get lost in the here and now, but I remind myself to look long term, and the time I have with my kids in comparison is fleeting. So I look for balance. Yes, I do need time with my husband, with my friends, and yes, to be alone. I started running to have time where someone didn't need me. And for an hour a day, I don't have to think about anything, which is so freeing. And in regards to finances, why do the roles of men and women have to be identical? Yes, I believe we should both contribute, but who is to say that if one person makes more $, their worth or their say in the partnership is worth more? The seasons of life come and go in waves, so at one point in life I may be making more than my husband, and other times vice versa. There are no guarantees in life, so the key is to work together through all seasons.